Would you marry a man you could never have sex with?

[kirkbuzzer]

 

I've been surprised by how much sex seems to be a part of every relationship. Yes, yes, I understand that it is a healthy part of a committed union, but would you even enter into that relationship if you knew that sex would not be a part of it? How free are we from our most instinctual desires? If we are honest with ourselves, would we voluntarily enter into a celibate relationship for the rest of our lives?

[serapha]

I live without desire for sex, it's not a bad thing. 

[filipinaprincess]

yeah you are right juliana! and though we aim for perfection in this life, I believe also of marrying someone who will not only help me reach that goal but lets face the fact that we want to get married inorder to feel the essence of being a woman like mother Eve, we need a husband to be fullfilled as a woman.....

[guitarsnrain]

Heck no!

[BruceAdama]

I would not, because I could not. If I get married, I want to enjoy ALL the perks of that union.

 

-BruceAdama

[joe88]

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[lindsay48]

This would obviously depend on the people involved, and the reasoning. Like cowgirlsuzie says, there could likely be trauma that had caused a problem, and if so, those things should be worked out for the health of that person, as well as the relationship between the two. But if it were only a physical problem, and the two really had a deep love and respect for eachother, then I don't see why they couldn't make things work out for them. There are other ways to show love, and other ways to have children.

[drnice]

Is it sex you are thinking of or physical intimacy, because thay are not always the same thing.  Every person has to choose based on their own needs and desires what kind of relationship they will have and within that context they have been and will be times when people choose marriage that will never involve sex in this life.  The factors are so variable that such a decision will be unique to those involved. 

 Personally I want to have children, so they possibility of marrying someone not willing or able (before we married) is extremely unlikely.  If something happend 10 seconds after the ceremony that precluded my desires from ever being met in this life, oh well, I have made a commitment and would honor that commitment, and trust in the Lord that anything I sacrificed in this life would be made up for in the life to come.

[kipluck]

I think that would be a challange, but yes, I would.

[wild_angel]

I would say No ... I like sex ... so there would be no point in getting married if there is no sex!!  Relationships are enough drama to deal with and if there is nothing exciting to look forward to like sex; I'd rather stay single.  Intimacy is a very important part of a marriage; and without that, it is not quite complete.

[WARCHICK]

It's an instinctual desire because it is a good desire.  It is a healthy part of Eternal Marriage, not just for this life.  So why on earth would I want to enter into marriage without that part?  I already have celibate relationships...marriage is NOT meant to be celibate.  You can do pretty much every other part of a relationship WITHOUT sex before marriage; sex is the ONE THING you must wait until the covenant to do.  Are you of the mistaken Catholic belief that it is a "necessary evil," as if Father would give us something evil to begin with?  That it is better to never have sex--even in marriage--than to "dirty" yourself with that gift given from the moment woman was sealed to man?

 

Sorry, but it is a gift from Father--isn't that reason enough to cherish and desire it?  WARCHICK

[rhoda01]

hmn... that would be a challenge.. maybe i can, sometimes i thought it would be better to marry without sex.. but i cant say when im there...

[smirk101]

when my wife told me to not touch her in a sexual way i left her, the marriage had become more of a emotion liability and the was not more perks. There was not much sex due to her health and that was fine bt none at all didn't sit with me.

[JoiceJoker]

I'm not THAT strong!
I don't feel mature enough or whatever enough to relinquish sex.

[dadood]

Wouldn't a marriage without sex be... a friendship?

I would say that's a negatory. But if you married then the "no sex" happens afterward, you can't do much about that. But deciding to go into a marriage knowing that there won't ever be sex... I don't think I'd take that route.

[jm0405]

I married a man I attended college with at Dixie College. He dated women and he and I were friends for years, but never dated. Eventually, we got married. It turned out, he was gay. The marriage was annuled right now, never consummated.

Being married in that situation would have made us just roommates, not even friends because he lied to me - he married me only to cover up his other life. Instead of leaving Utah, he chose to deceive me. Trust was gone.

Sexless marriage based on lies? HMM...LOL...I left immediately. At the time, I wanted kids, family, stability, romance, planning a life together. All of that crumbled instantaneously. No thanks.

[dadood]

JM, sorry to hear that happen to you. But I've heard it's not uncommon. I've heard of people having many kids and been married for decades then discovering that there spouses are gay.

I think it's because most homosexuals try to fit in and deny or fight they homosexual tendencies. They believe that they can just repent of their homosexual urges. They think that if they get married and have kids that they'll be cured.

Personally, I don't think that's possible. They might fake it and pretend to be straight, but at the end of the day... they're still gay. But what are they going to do? Accept who they are and be cast out, or pretend and try to fit in?

I don't think you should hate him just because he lied to you. He's still the person that you loved as a friend... he just happens to be gay.

[jm0405]

I don't hate anybody, but I despise my ex. Reason: If he ever considered me a friend, he never would have deceived me. He never even respected me enough to treat me like a friend AND he deceived me? No thanks.

When I left him, I told him I didn't care that he is homosexual. I care that he married me knowing he's gay. I felt cheated in that he didn't communicate with me to give me a choice as to whether or not I want to enter that kind of relationship. You cannot build ANY relationship on hidden truths, hidden agendas and lies.

In retrospect, since his family ended up in the news - I realize he came from a bad place. Obviously, he has a lot to work out. When I left him, he was 41 years old. Now he's 50. Hope he did something with himself, but they say you can't teach an old dog new tricks. For him being a deceptive liar at age 41, his changes of any reformation are slim-to-none. That's sad. I am glad I am away from him and his family. If you want to know what news they were in, look up Timothy O'Sean McCleve on Google. He was a bishop that molested 3 little girls ages 12, 8, and 6 when their parents were at work. Ugly family.

[jm0405]

Timothy O'Sean McCleve was my brother-in-law - not my husband.

[dadood]

I would be mad too if I married a woman then realized that she's not what she said she was. Heck, I would be furious if I find out that my new wife is a lesbian or something. Oh wait... maybe I wouldn't But that's different!

But yeah, marrying someone and not telling her that you're gay is pretty lame. That's kind of like selling someone a defective product. It's dishonest.

But... would you have married him if you knew he was gay? Probably not. Would telling people that he's gay affected or even ruined his life? Probably. Maybe he thought he could really stop being gay? Maybe. Maybe he loved you as a person and thought he can make it work? Maybe.

What I'm saying is "Yes, he did you wrong by lying to you... but maybe his intentions are not totally evil."

But I just read about that bishop that molested those kids. Kind of makes me you wonder how anyone can do all the duties of a bishop and did all those things. Also makes you wonder if there's a time to question our leaders or should we always blindly obey and put our trust and faith in our bishops or whatever.

[jm0405]

Would I have married him knowing he is gay? Not on your life. It's a dead-end. I wouldn't want to be stuck with someone with AIDS, risk my life and have to take care of them.

I don't think all bishops are evil - just the one in the family I married into. I am sure there are others, but I believe good outweighs bad by far. People say that you need 2 people in the office when you meet with the bishop. This predator went to their house every day when their parents were at work! The injury occurred outside the church. He used the title to gain trust. It was this same bishop that told me I wasn't worthy of being family or being anything because I am LDS-enough and when I used the term "Mormon" he called me uneducated. HMM...Funny isn't it? Throw barbs my way while he's committing felonies??? Nice guy!

Granted, I have not been active - nor have I stepped foot into any ward since 2001. I am living in Vegas, back home, have joined up with LDS people I grew up with here in Vegas....Ok..Now we're talkin'!! I am getting into the swing of things now FOR ME. When I married James, before I knew he was gay, I wanted to do the temple thing, have a relationship based on something good. His comment was, "If we lie, we'll go to the temple." NOPE! I withdrew that request. If you have to lie about anything, it's not worth having. Then later, finding out his whole life was based on lies, glad I left, but I knew one day I would have to walk this current path alone. There is nobody else. Just me. In some ways it's a lonely path, but in others, it's awesome too. Moving forward and not allowing yesterday to hold me back is quite freeing.

[dadood]

So if everyone is called of God to a church calling, how do you explain something like this? I sure would hate to be the stake president that called a child molester to be a bishop. You would think that God would know better.

[JoiceJoker]

JM,
I'd like to approach this from several perspectives:

Could it have been a chance for him to prove himself?

Would this mean the children were given the opportunity to grow?
(I know you're on your toes now and probably have the desire to lynch me, but hold your pitch forks just a little bit longer)
My own children where abused and had to struggle with self worth, fears and depression. But it doesn't have to stay that way! If there's a good therapist specialized in trauma-therapy for children the outcome will be that the children will see more, feel more and live more intensive than they ever could without a negative experience. Now, it doesn't take abuse to go there - but your antennas are tuned in for the suffering of others if you have been going through crap yourself. There's more empathy, more love, more of practically everything including self worth and therefore the ability to say what it is that you don't want in your life (it's called courage).
This doesn't mean that I recommend abuse at all - I simply like to mention what it meant to my children. They had to find ways to deal with the issue every time they encountered a situation similar or reminding them of what happened. Each of my children developed their own inner mechanism to overcome fear and to enjoy life. It was a challenge - yes. And there were times when I was burned out from sleepless nights and psychological examinations through books and lectures. But it was worth it!

Did he have to be in this position to show how things are NOT to be done?
Meaning - to show members the worth of a bishop that's truly involved?

Was it necessary to enhance the sensibility and awareness of the members towards 'Do NOT follow blind-folded'?

Does this indicate the forthcoming of the prophecies once more?
"Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves." (Matthew 7:15)
or
“For I know this, that after my departing shall grievous wolves enter in among you, not sparing the flock. Also of your own selves shall men arise, speaking perverse things, to draw away disciples after them.” (Acts 20:29-30.)

Ask yourself these questions.

[jm0405]

I think it's unforgiveable this man used a title to rob children of their childhood. I will say about this bishop and I will say the same for any priest that molested altar boys just the same.

The last comment is very true...reason why I don't hate James...their father was allegedly abusive and 3 of the 4 boys didn't get help at all and their personalities and actions show it. One is verbally abusive and hatfeful just like his dad....1 is a molester...James is gay...2 of the 3 girls got pregnant and married before graduating high school, dropped out, left home.

These people had issues. I understand that. But I also understand when you are x-amount of years old, you are old enough to know better, "this life isn't right" - get help at some point before trashing other people's lives. They did not and have not done so. Therefore, I still hold them accountable. Sean was a 50-something-year-old bishop and he didn't know better?? Then, like the other poster said, I would hate to walk in the man's shoes who appointed Sean as bishop. It's a vicious circle no matter how you cut it.

Speaking of a marriage with no sex, if Sean was taking advantage of children, I wondered if he abused his 4 kids and what his sex life with his wife was like. She's been with him over 25 years. One would think she might get a little lonely. Just a thought.

[JoiceJoker]

It's all true from your point of view. But like I said there are so many perspectives and in a way all of them touch the individuals involved - healthy or unhealthy. And then, with things like these happening it's kind of hard to continue life without forgiving the aggressor (huh? oh, yes!) because you poison yourself over someone who made all the wrong choices.

That doesn't mean that parents are not obligated to protect their children from him or any other abuser. But there still is a difference in forgiving (case closed) and concentrating on the future (open another chapter) or to keep looking behind and not knowing where to go because you're full of despise (mental prison). It interacts with your dreams and goals just like it did with mine.

[JoiceJoker]

Speaking of a marriage with no sex, if Sean was taking advantage of children, I wondered if he abused his 4 kids and what his sex life with his wife was like. She's been with him over 25 years. One would think she might get a little lonely. Just a thought.

There are multiple behavior patterns for humans with an abusive background.
Too many to decipher which one of the studied examples he'd cover. Does he do it because he can't help it and feels terrible afterward? Or does he abuse with all intend?

The trigger is power - always is. That is for any abuse btw. If it's emotional, physical, psychological or sexual (which is the most destructive one since it includes all of the forms of abuse mentioned before).

It becomes a bit tricky with secrecy. Most often the victims are isolated physically and mentally in order to prevent discovery.
Some aggressors have sex with their spouse and play it through with their imagination. It also helps them not to touch any children. When the women withdraw, those guys are in a big dilemma and often turn towards children who are dependent upon the abuser in whatever way. Therefore sexual abuse most commonly takes place within families or close relationships (e.g. family friends, teachers)

The power-dependency gap is enormous due to age, experience, rhetoric .... and therefore children are simply perfect victims.
Those disturbed individuals who prey upon children and defenseless women are cowards!

[JoiceJoker]

Okay.......that was mind wrenching stuff.
Back to the topic.

Would I abandon sex? Hmmm......no!........definetly NO!

[arinae]

I would not, because I could not. If I get married, I want to enjoy ALL the perks of that union. -BruceAdama

I totally agree here. I want to end my celibacy one day and I want to be married to the person I end it with, so yeah.

Though it's hard to say. If I truly loved the person, I might. If it felt completely right, I would. I'd find myself wanting sex still probably, but I'd trust that God would take care of me.

[GrannySnow]

Would I marry a man I could never have sex with? Yes, I love sex but hugging, kissing and cuddled up in bed would be ok too. But then I am already a Grandma.

[naulite]

“Sex without love is mating, love without sex is philosophy.” ~ Unknown

I don't know if I could go into a marriage under those circumstances. It would be challenging for sure.

I believe that there is an undeniable bond that comes from sex within the boundaries of marriage and love. It's a level of shared intimacy that is hard, if not impossible, to duplicate in any other way.

I also think this is part of why sex outside the bonds of marriage and love is so detrimental us. The emotional repercussions alone are immense and terrible.

[JoiceJoker]

Does anyone here have any idea into how much trouble one can get due to this thread?? *exasperated*

[naulite]

Does anyone here have any idea into how much trouble one can get due to this thread?? *exasperated*

Oh, do share... How much??

[JoiceJoker]

Obviously enough to get me exasperated..... 8-)